Sunday, January 08, 2006

Enough with the gay thing

The previous post (in Dutch) by beta Boy and Alter Ego’s comment on it got me thinking. I guess a serious post about the gay thing was bound to come up sometime – so here it is.

To summarize beta Boy’s post: he’s always wondering why most a lot of gay men act like they’re girls, why the homosexual community wants (or already has ?) Gay Games as an equivalent of the Olympics, why they almost always try to label or put themselves in a particular box (or closet :), why some gay men enjoy “barebacking”, why some gay men still find it strange that the number of HIV and AIDS patients are relatively higher among homosexuals than among “straight” people and why gay men need to label the role one plays in bed – “bottom”, “top” or “versatile”.

Alter Ego’s comment: A.E. finds it normal that bed positions are labelled and in the straight world there is no need for that (although some guys like to be fucked by girls with strap-ons, which would not make them gay, but who’s nitpicking ?), homosexuals put themselves in boxes because they want to flirt in certain clubs/bars without getting gay-bashed, people in general want to hang with people that share the same interests, men are hunters by nature and that is why they tend to go to “saunas” and adult theatres which is part of their interests, Gay Games and Gay Pride are overrated, but the Gay Pride thing is fun, barebacking is ridiculous and dangerous and the younger men are when they come out of the closet, the faggier they tend to be (a little short-sighted, he says, but often true).

Now that you know what the inspiration for this post was, I will commence after the jump.

As far as the faggy behaviour goes: some gay men act like girls because they are insecure and don’t know how to carry themselves, so they’ll act like the “average” homosexual. Or they just think that a homosexual is supposed to act that way.

I find it extremely annoying, because it often seems fake, as if they’re trying too hard, stupid and extremely over the top. Some of them are genuine, and I don’t mind them, because I can tell that they’re not faking it by their demeanor. Everyone has the right to be who they want to be – fake or not - more power to them, but I personally don’t like to feminine thing and I choose not to get involved with the fake girly kind. My "problem" is solved.

I extremely disapprove of barebacking when the people doing it aren’t HIV+ or when people haven’t gotten tested yet. They can do whatever they want in their little (big) HIV+ box - fucking without a condom on feels better and I understand why people like to do it. But when you’ve just met and/or haven’t gotten tested yet, you should use a condom. Period. You can’t trust people on this subject matter – not even yourself. One in five homosexuals in Amsterdam have AIDS or HIV, yet you hardly ever meet one. Doesn’t that speak for itself ? And by the way, sucking without a condom on is not safe sex. Duh.

Since I’m being all opinionated, I’ll be honest too: I’ve regularly fucked without a condom on. We were in a relationship and we were both clean (in every sense of the word).

I agree with Alter Ego that men are born as hunters (and if they aren’t – nature vs. nurture - they do tend to have a stronger hunter instinct than women do) and that is probably why the number of gay men with HIV/AIDS is relatively higher than it is among straight people: they have more (casual) sex among each other. Men are generally more okay with the casual sex thing that women are, and their greater hunger for (casual) sex is also probably the reason why a lot of gay men visit saunas and adult theatres. I don’t agree with the fact that he’s saying that “it is part of their interests”. I think one has to be more careful with ones words, writing about matters like this. I know he probably isn’t saying that all gay men are interested in those things, but it might come across as if he is.

I agree with beta Boy when it comes to labelling the role that a gay man plays in bed: it is stupid. Why is it so important to know what role one plays in bed ? If you like each other, love each other, are turned on by each other, it doesn’t really matter if you “give” or “receive” or “are easy and like it either way”. Fucking is not a priority for me – there are a lot of other things you can do while having sex, besides fucking. Yes, it’s nice and it’s handy when you’re compatible in that way, but so what if you aren’t ? One-night-stands, okay. You want to fuck, get fucked, do both, whatever – I get that you’d want to have a certain person in your bed. Relationship wise, it seems like a petty thing to fuss over. But again, that’s just me speaking.

As far as labelling and putting yourself in a box: the human species have always had the tendency to label themselves or put themselves in a particular box. It has always been that way and it will probably remain that way. I don’t see that as being a bad thing. It does get problematic when people are so boxed in (whether they’re responsible themselves or not) they will start to be separated from “the rest of the world”, so to speak.

Take the gay community for example (for a lack of a better word): they want separate TV channels, separate advertisement, separate phone subscriptions, separate Olympics and so on. What will be next ? Separate bathrooms ? Separate public transportation ? Separate queues at city hall ? Separate villages ? Separate countries ? I know I’m exaggerating, but there seems no end to it.

I understand why gay people want their gay clubs, pubs, dating websites and stuff like that – socialising might be easier, flirting will definitely be easier, it’s nice to talk to people with the same interests (as far as “being gay” is an interest) and having almost full security of not being gay bashed is also a good thing I think. Those are normal things to want, and it is normal to want those things (oh, the redundancy is overwhelming). Places where you are 100 percent accepted (sexual orientation wise) and shit like that – all fucking great.

But anyway, the afro-Americans have fought for years for equal rights and equal treatment in the United States - they didn’t want to be separated anymore. And now some of us are trying to do the exact opposite ? Have we not learned anything ? Do some gay people really think that separating ourselves will create more acceptance and understanding in this world ?

I personally don’t need the entire separation thing that much. Straight, gay, bi, a-sexual - I don't fucking care (I only care to fuck :).But then again, I’ve been privileged. Why ? Because I have never ever had a negative experience concerning my sexual orientation – literally. And I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m open about it, but it’s not as if I need people to know I like the male kind.

I’m also being the person that I think I am, which is incidentally not a big queer. I guess I do have some of the stereotypical traits when it comes to buying clothes, listening to certain music, personal grooming and my hygiene (although I don’t find these things especially typical for gay men, but some people do) but when I’m talking to people, I speak with a normal voice, make normal hand gestures and I’m loud, crude and I curse a lot. By the sound of my voice and the way I carry myself you wouldn’t really expect me to be gay (when considering the stereotype a lot of people, including me sometimes, still have in their heads), and I guess that makes people more comfortable. I know I’m not a ease when a very feminine homosexual is talking to me with that exaggerated voice, the hands flying in the air and the touching. It’s just not what I prefer. And if I as a gay man am a bit uncomfortable with that, I can certainly imagine that some straight people might be uncomfortable too.

And the “not needing to let people know I’m gay” thing does not mean I’m ashamed of myself. When people ask or when the subject comes up, I am honest and open about it. It’s just that being gay is not who I am, so I don’t say: “Hi, I’m Billy, I like men.”. My sexual orientation has very little to do with my personality – and I truly believe that. I’m gay, but I don’t feel and see myself as being different from the “straight people”. We’re all just people. Period. And I am inclined to think that if more gay people just cut back on the “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it” routine just by a tiny bit, other people might be just more a little more accepting. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud, on the contrary, but being proud of being gay is just retarded. Celebrate yourself for who you are, not for who you do.

Lastly I will not get into the matters of kiss-ins and forcing beliefs down another person's throat, since I’ve already written crap about that. I do want to repeat some of the conclusions I’ve drawn in those one of those previous posts: emphasising our differences will do us no good. We should focus the attention on the fact that, even though we’re all different, we’re also all very much the same, considering we’re all part of a race I’d like to call “homo sapiens”. And I’m aware of the fact that it’s a cliché and it's easier to say than it is to actually do, but it beats the crap out of Gay Games any day.

1 comment:

Alterego said...

You’re so right about your separation/equal treatment bit. That’s why I have mixed feelings with the Gay Pride. As stated before, I love that weekend in Amsterdam. Everyone (gay, straight... yes, even lesbians!) seems to get along and build one heck of a party. However: the parade might be loads of fun to look at (and I’m not just pointing out the eye-candy) but it is stigmatizing the gay community.

Best example of this is a boat in the canalparade of the COC (Dutch Gay Organization) a couple of years back. The thing they wanted to carry out that day: “Do not be afraid to come out of the closet, it’s OK!”, this emphasized nby a huge banner on the bow and sides of the boat. The 40+ year old, moustache-wearing guy dancing on the front of the boat was half naked and the parts that were covered? In leather… Nice. Now, here’s this kid, standing on the bridge, watching the parade, struggling with his sexuality and asking himself whether or not he should come out of the closet and he sees this: a parade full of drag queens, leatherboys and musclemerries showing him that gays are a bunch of ladylike, fistfucking, scary monsters. Not to mention what religious and/or gay-haters will think after seeing that.

I love it when people that do not know about my genetic defect suddenly find out about it in some way. “Gosh! I never knew you were gay!? Why haven’t you told me?” … “I’ll make sure to update my résumé and send it to you.” But word spreads fast, especially on the workfloor. And my greatest achievement lies in turning people (predominantly men) around from not knowing how to act around me to “Hey, he’s actually quite normal and OK to hang out with... he hasn’t grabbed my ass once and he’s not insulted when someone cracks a gay joke!.” It’s all in being my secure self and not letting me being gay lead my life.