Please leave...again

My parents are back. They left last Thursday morning to visit family in Germany. I'm not German though, and neither is my mother. My step-dad's aunt lives there, or rather her husband because she died.

They've been home for four and a half hours and they're already getting on my nerves.

"Should I turn off the internet?", step-dad asked before going to bed.

"No, I'm busy."

My step-dad has this obsession with turning off the internet when no one is using it. We have GD cable, you don't pay for the time the internet is on and we have a fucking router - it's meant to have the internet on 24/7.

"It's been up since last Wednesday..."

"Yeah."

"It hasn't been turned off since."

"Yeah."

"Since last Wednesday..."

"Yeah."

Jezus Christ. Let it go. Control-freak.

***

“Aren’t you going to help us unpack the car?”

“I’m making myself tea, there only are like four bags and I’m standing in the kitchen in my underwear.”

“Fine.”

“What do you expect me to do? Stop making tea, change into my clothes and help you unpack, which you should be done with by the time I’ve changed?”

“Yeah, Billy, you’re absolutely right.”

***

"Did you change the kitty litter?"

"Yes."

"When was the last time?"

"Yesterday morning."

"Well, it's gotten really dirty in such a short period of time..."

"And...?"

"I'm just saying."

"Why ask me, when you've already made up your mind about when and how I did or did not change the freaking kitty litter?"

***

"Did you vacuum before we came home?"

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

“…”

“Okay.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. There’s just so much hair everywhere.”

“Well mother, you do have four cats.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

***

“Couldn’t you have done the laundry while we were gone?”

“I did.”

“So these clothes are all clean?”

“Well mom, the clothes in the laundry basket are clean and the clothes in the hamper are dirty.”

“So you did like one cycle?”

“No, actually I did three.”

“Then why are all these clothes sitting in the hamper.”

“Jesus mom, I didn’t do the last batch because it was not enough to do last night and you don’t want me to turn on the washer during the day.”

“Well, don’t you have an answer for everything Billy.”

Even my mom is stressing me out. Aren't vacations supposed to relax you? Take a fucking batch of valium and/or take your annoying asses back to Deutschland.

See, this is why I need a gun.

Old people + alcohol = not pretty

Old people cannot behave when drunk. By old people I mean my parents and our neighbours. They're having a cocktail party. But they're not really drinking cocktails, just alcohol really. And why do men always get so touchy-feely with each other? Supressed sexual desires? Ew. I did not just say that. Grown-ups totally turn into teenagers when they're having drinks. But they're not like hot drunk teenagers who you could totally take advantage of. They're just drunk. And my parents. And that is not hot. What was I saying again?

I should not drink when trying to write stories.

And it's true what they say, I actually am funnier when you're drunk. Hell, I even think I'm funnier when I'm drunk. But that might just be me. Or you. But don't get me wrong, I'm also funny when no one is drunk. But we tend to not notice that really a lot. Wait, was that right?

fun with mother

In the past, I have learned that one should never let my mother talk to certain people - today, movers have been added to the long, long list.

My parents are helping my aunt move into her new condo and my mom got into a conversation with one of the movers while she was unpacking.

"I used to work there too you know," my mom says, replying to a comment moving guy made about a certain shitty company.

"When did you work there?" moving guy asks.

"Oh, I quit in...'96 I think. I worked there for about ten years," mom says, as if she's thinking out loud.

"Oh, then you must know Anne and Johnny and Margareth and the whole bunch," moving guy replies.

"Ah yes, I remember Anne," mom says with a cynical tone, "she was one bitter cunt I must say. God, can you imagine living with her? I could hardly work 8 hours a day without wanting to beat her everytime she crossed my path."

"I can actually, she's my mother..." moving guy replies sheepishly while mom's sister in-law is trying to muffle her laughter.

"Oh..." mom says after a few seconds of dead silence, "well, you are not a bitter cunt at all."

"I know," moving guy says, faintly smiling as he's getting back to work, "I take more after my father."

"Well, you thank the Lord for that son - but then again...he did make you live with her..."

Mother has no shame and does not know when to shut up. And that is why we love her. Well, that and the fact that she still makes my sandwiches every morning.