Daytime TV is high-quality

"A 1000 bucks euros ! Wouldn't that be a great way to start your day ?!"

Bitch please, it's fucking noon. The only two people that start their day at 12pm is me, because I'm good for nothing, and you, because apparently you're tired from sucking various cocks all night. I guess we all gotta make a living somehow right?

Seriously, she's having a live anxiety attack slash coke fit, but hey, that's what you get for putting girls on daytime game TV who will work for a gram of cheap coke mixed with cut up Nestlé Strawberry Quick.

Bitch, you can't get away with that, you're no Lindsay Lohan.

"I am so high ya'll!"

"I look pretty right? Everybody always says I'm pretty."

"Insert - coke - here. And I don't snort, I push it in there. That's hot."

"These boxes like, feel sooooo nice."

"Duuuuude. Get me some lines, my high is like totally wearing off already."

"Say what? Hell to the no, you're not cutting me off until the next caller!"

"Oh my gaw, you are all tryna get me! And I ain't paranoid or nothing! What's that noise?!"

"And what the fuck you looking at bitch? I will cut you!"

"I'm just playin'. Please call me. You can totally play with my vaJayJay 'n all that."

Criminal law is a cunt

Yeah, remember when I was all "I'm so fucking smart, I'll ace this midterm"? If you don't, believe me, I was that person. So I had my midterm today and let me tell you, she was a bitch. A big bitch. I had about 3 hours and it was not enough. Not by a long shot. Although I was one of the few people who actually finished the damn thing, I didn't answer every question the way I could and would have if I had more time. I did know the answers but I had to rush through the case files like a mother fucker.

Whoever claimed Red Bull increases your concentration and energy was talking out of his ass.

For the last time

The word "paranoia" is a noun.

The word "paranoid" is an adjective.

Someone is paranoid.

Someone suffers from paranoia.

Saying "You're so paranoia", is wrong.

Don't use words if you can't use them in the correct way. Especially when you're trying to bring my ass down. It makes you sound stupid. And hell, I'm not paranoid. I don't even give a fuck.

There, I said it.

Please leave...again

My parents are back. They left last Thursday morning to visit family in Germany. I'm not German though, and neither is my mother. My step-dad's aunt lives there, or rather her husband because she died.

They've been home for four and a half hours and they're already getting on my nerves.

"Should I turn off the internet?", step-dad asked before going to bed.

"No, I'm busy."

My step-dad has this obsession with turning off the internet when no one is using it. We have GD cable, you don't pay for the time the internet is on and we have a fucking router - it's meant to have the internet on 24/7.

"It's been up since last Wednesday..."

"Yeah."

"It hasn't been turned off since."

"Yeah."

"Since last Wednesday..."

"Yeah."

Jezus Christ. Let it go. Control-freak.

***

“Aren’t you going to help us unpack the car?”

“I’m making myself tea, there only are like four bags and I’m standing in the kitchen in my underwear.”

“Fine.”

“What do you expect me to do? Stop making tea, change into my clothes and help you unpack, which you should be done with by the time I’ve changed?”

“Yeah, Billy, you’re absolutely right.”

***

"Did you change the kitty litter?"

"Yes."

"When was the last time?"

"Yesterday morning."

"Well, it's gotten really dirty in such a short period of time..."

"And...?"

"I'm just saying."

"Why ask me, when you've already made up your mind about when and how I did or did not change the freaking kitty litter?"

***

"Did you vacuum before we came home?"

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

“…”

“Okay.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. There’s just so much hair everywhere.”

“Well mother, you do have four cats.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

***

“Couldn’t you have done the laundry while we were gone?”

“I did.”

“So these clothes are all clean?”

“Well mom, the clothes in the laundry basket are clean and the clothes in the hamper are dirty.”

“So you did like one cycle?”

“No, actually I did three.”

“Then why are all these clothes sitting in the hamper.”

“Jesus mom, I didn’t do the last batch because it was not enough to do last night and you don’t want me to turn on the washer during the day.”

“Well, don’t you have an answer for everything Billy.”

Even my mom is stressing me out. Aren't vacations supposed to relax you? Take a fucking batch of valium and/or take your annoying asses back to Deutschland.

See, this is why I need a gun.

Potato, potato

At work some British lady wanted to order coffee in Dutch. See, I work near some International Criminial Court in The Hague, so we get a lot of foreigners at our lunchroom. Most of them try to order in Dutch, so this British lady asked for coffee with milk. But not milk from a little packet, but warm milk with coffee, but not a cappucino. So I was all: "Do you mean a latte, madam?"

And she was going all huffy "No, not a latte, that is what Americans call it. We call it café au lait."

Well fucking excuse me. The French call it café au lait too, so if I were her I wouldn't be so smug about it.

Cunt.