Criminal law is a cunt

Yeah, remember when I was all "I'm so fucking smart, I'll ace this midterm"? If you don't, believe me, I was that person. So I had my midterm today and let me tell you, she was a bitch. A big bitch. I had about 3 hours and it was not enough. Not by a long shot. Although I was one of the few people who actually finished the damn thing, I didn't answer every question the way I could and would have if I had more time. I did know the answers but I had to rush through the case files like a mother fucker.

Whoever claimed Red Bull increases your concentration and energy was talking out of his ass.

I'm one of them

Yeah, I have a myspace now. I know I said myspace sucked huge gay cock, and I'm still saying that, but it's actually kinda nice too. It's a nice sucking, okay?

Anyway, visit Billy, leave him a message, listen to the most beautiful music ever created, whatever you think is right.

Click here to visit heaven.

Paris Hilton is a slut

I now realise that calling Paris Hilton a slut is the purest form of all semantic pleonasms, but for the heck of it, let's just say the redundancy emphasizes the fact that she's a slut and that the title is also kinda meant to deceive you. If I were to call this post "I like some of Paris Hilton's song on her album" you'd want to...well, not read it and gay bash me.

So yeah, Paris' voice sometimes hardly ever doesn't sound like nails on a chalk board and is always devoid of any emotion whatsoever - well, except for "whiny" if that were an emotion - but seriously, it's not all crap. And I mean that purely objectively: there are some good productions on her album which do not induce an immediate desire to drive a stake through my heart. Not to kill though, but to shift the pain.

This all doesn't take away the fact that Paris is a slut, but a hot slut because she's too stupid to know she is one and doesn't give a shit. I for sure would love to get her drunk and frisky. I mean, who are we kidding? Yeah, you know we'd all hit it - with a baseball glove around our #&%$ we would. And afterwards, she would buy me something pretty. You know, because I give so much pleasure.

And here's Reflekt ft. Delline Bass with Need to feel loved. Just because they are not Paris Hilton, don't have herpes (that we know of) and make beautiful music.

Finally made a choice

I've decided to get my Master's Degree in Criminal Law after I get my Bachelor's Degree. I had been in doubt for a while, not knowing whether to choose European Law, International Law, Business Law, Civil Law or Criminal Law.

Well, I found out I fucking hate all treaties and regulations and pretty much anything to do with supranational law and I pretty much suck hard at Business Law, mainly because I don't give a shit. I do like Civil Law but the formal procedures are just too difficult to comprehend, mainly because I don't give a shit.

So criminal law it is. Getting paid to fight to be right in official proceedings is kinda hot. I like being right. And people will like me. Because I'm funny. I'm gonna be a badass litigator.

Who knows, someday I might be a DA or even better - a judge. I would be strict, but just. And you are allowed to sleep with hot suspects right?

The Zombies are in town

Dude. The Zombies are doing a small gig downtown on Tuesday, October 31st. Why wasn't I told? It sold out in like fifteen minutes. The Zombies are awesome. Hell, I only know Time of the Season, but that song is on my life's soundtrack. Yeah, my life has a soundtrack. And it kicks ass.

Dance Department presents Cocoon

Amsterdam Dance Event took place this week and yesterday I went hard drunk on Sven Väth and Ricardo Villalobos at club The Sand, just outside downtown Amsterdam. It was pret-ty awesome. The DJ sets will be featured in either the Dance Department Podcast or the radio show in the next few weeks.

I’m sick now though and I have a big ass boo-boo in my head and in the back of my throat. One should never go clubbing when falling ill, it’s really bad. Midterms start next week, so yeah, my timing to start drinking again is excellent as usual.

Happy camper

I've been told that after both people participating in the sex (me being one of two on a good day) have gotten off, I laugh. And I don't mean laughing as in cracking a smile - I mean, when I'm having sex all I do is smile. But I actually laugh - out loud - really hard. And it doesn't happen when I'm alone...you know...having the sex by myself.

Seriously, what the fuck is up with that?

College fun

"Freak", I whisper to Ryan.

"I know! What'chu lookin’ at punk?"

There's this guy sitting in front of us at some lecture that's about…the law probably. He keeps looking over his shoulder as if he's looking for somebody, but we were on the last row… And to make matters worse, ugly weird guy starts hitting on cute, pretty girl sitting a seat away. Dude is wearing a shirt made out of fabric I don’t even know what it’s called, but the last person I saw wearing that, is my dead grandpa. And not even he was caught dead in it. Now I don’t really care about other people’s clothes, but dude looks rough and dirty.

"Is he seriously trying to share his books with her," I ask.

"Aaah, it's the oldest trick in the book." Ryan sighs. "No pun intended."

"Yeah, we all know how many times that got you laid…”.

Pretty girl didn't decline but she also didn't want to do him right then and there either. Amateur. She was nonchalant about it but strangely enough not disgusted or anything. Ugly weird guy keeps staring at her and trying to make eye contact. Last I checked we were at a lecture. People are either sleeping, getting high (it happened), looking stoned out the window (happens a lot) or jerking off (that was once). Searching for eye contact is useless. And besides, why would anybody be looking at him…except for us.

Sad as this whole situation is, he then proceeded to write her a note…on a ripped piece of paper. I ain't shitting you.

"You have got to be kidding me. A note? Where the hell am I, seventh grade?" I whisper perhaps a bit too loud. Damn my parents for giving me this amazingly deep and manly voice.

"You wrote notes...to girls...in seventh grade?"

"I might have. I also used to like little girls back then - and I don't mean that in a way that's as gross as it actually sounds."

"..."

"Is he - is he asking her out?" I ask with utter disbelief.

"Yeah," Ryan responds while trying to read the tiny note that passed hands, "it says something like ‘would it be cool if…’”.

"…we got together and bumped uglies? Literally in his case. What the fuck, she's actually writing him back. Didn't she take her meds this morning? She'd better telling him to take a fucking hike. What'd she write?"

God, I’m so into other people’s shit. Probably because my own life is so very unsatisfying. Well, that’s what my shrink keeps telling me.

"She says sure." Ryan says a little bit annoyed.

"You're lyin'!"

"Am not. And I don’t give a shit really."

"Okay, do you not find this human interaction at all interesting?”

“…”

“…anyway, mutey. She could do so much better. Doesn't she have any self esteem? I mean, I'd do her. And I dont't even like the kitty cats."

"Maybe she's just not shallow." Ryan says in such a manner as if I'm supposed to know it’s the smartest thing to ever come from a person’s mouth.

"Or – maybe she's just an idiot. And I resent that you're implying I'm shallow."

"You are shallow."

"Well, tell it behind my back like everyone else does."

"Look," Ryan says, "They're exchanging e-mail addresses. you're right, this shit's more intriguing than an Agatha Christie novel..."

"E-mail is for geeks and pedophiles."

"We use email."

"Yeah...for college and shit."

"Right..."

"And it's not like I go up to guy and ask for his e-mail address on a note to get into his pants", I say. People turn their heads. I seriously need to not speak so loud. I'm sure it could get embarassing at some point. "E-mail? What the fuck is up with that?"

"Well duh, it's different for you homos".

"..."

"You guys just do it."

Class in session

I had a Law Philosophy seminar today and it was very...uhm, interesting. Now, not a lot of what the Prof. was talking about really made it into my head, since I was pretty distracted by this hot guy walking outside, but I did pick up something about military men having sex with each other in times of war to increase their strength.

I vote: yes.

And I'm sure the seminar was about more than men having sex, but after that remark I was even more gone than before. Seriously, if you're into all things gay, you should definitely take this class. I'm pretty sure Plato is just a big flaming homo.

This paper is going to be excellent.

I'm a chef

I totally just cooked. Well, I came this close to cooking. Which is like, amazing. I made a fucking meal - well, side dish, but still. I sliced the cucumber and pineapple, diced the carrots and the tomatoes and I only cut myself twice. After al the slicing and dicing I added Italian black truffle olive oil and lettuce and then I mixed it all up into this little masterpiece I like to call...a salad.

Please, don't hesitate to to email me for the recipe and preparation instructions. I hope that some day, you will all be great cooks, just like me. And don't be intimidaded by my masterful skills, it took me a lot of watching the cooking channel. And you know what? Next time, I might even wash my hands.


Ps: I'll let you know whether or not anybody has had convulsions and/or has died.

Bus-ay

I'm in way over my head with this whole going to college thing and trying to get my degree in economics and law. I'm really, like, not that smart.

I need a tutor. Tutors are a good thing. You can even sleep with them when they're hot. But wouldn't that make them whores when I'm paying them by the hour?

Food for thought.

Faq

Why are those gay men that show up in the media, furiously fighting for equal rights and respect and shit like that, alway so fucking annoying?

Please tell me. Hell, I like dick and not even I can bring myself not to want to beat them silly.

My phone carrier blows

I'm still waiting for my new phone to arrive - Samsung x820:

It's so damn tiny! To be exact: 113x50x6.9mm. Don't hate me for using the metric system, I'm European ya'll! And the best part is, because it's so tiny it makes my dick look huge and it also has great specs.

Yes, I may have betrayed my beloved Nokia, but damn, try and make a decent cell phone sometime - we'll see how it goes from there.

But anyway, I ordered it last Friday and it ain't here yet. Sure, they said 4 to 6 work days, but it's 11:09am on the fourth day and I kinda expected it to be here...well, yesterday.

It's so hard waiting on stuff to arrive.

And people say I'm impatient. I think I've been patient enough. That UPS man is gonna get it - and not in a good way.

I don't like you in any way

I know everybody has an opinion about “critics”. Personally, I think no one is able to please them and I could fill and waste endless amounts of web space bitching about them and telling you why critics are the scum of the earth, mostof them bringing people down without ever having produced anything of themselves. The fact remains that “Toy Story 2” is the best movie of all time on rottentomatoes.com, and that pretty much says all we need to know about these “experts".

I'm a good neighbour

This family These socially retarded freaks that live across the street from us have been trying to park their caravan [is that what it's called in English too?] on their driveway for about 45 minutes now. I suppose I should help them. The father can't drive for shit. He's making his turns to sharp and keeps almost hitting the front of the caravan with the rear of his car.

God I hope they hit a wall. Or a kid. Or plural.

I hate caravans. They imply camping. And I hate camping even more. It's the 21st century - get a hotel room. At least than you'll have basic plumbing at least...and room service.

They look so sad out there in the rain. When you see them, you’ll immediately see that they are campers. They give off this - vibe. This "I like nature and nature likes me so we don't shower for weeks and stink up our mobile home for three weeks - when we're not cycling or shit like that" vibe. And they probably play board games together. And talk. That's even worse than camping.

Some families are just disfunctional.

I have to go now because I think my mom broke her house arrest - again.

Ps: and for those who are "offended" by the word "retard" or some other conjugation of that word - I'm not using it to insult anyone. Because I don’t call real retards retards. I call them “mentally disabled”. Or stupid. I mean gosh, I’m not that inconsiderate.

Swinging London Town

So, SCAA left for London this morning at 7:30 am. Who the fuck flies to London at 7:30 am? Hell, I don’t even get up before noon – not even on a school day. Mornings just don’t do it for me. But whatever floats your boat I guess.

SCAA’s going to “work” in London for the next five months. It’s sort of an internship, but she’s getting paid as a regular employee. Though it’s not nearly enough to cover all her expenses [rental house in Sector 1 for 570 pounds per week and lots of partying and smoking] she’ll probably make some cash on the side by whoring herself out. And hey, knowing her, she’ll most likely won’t even have to pay for her own drinks anyway. That’s what sugar daddies are for, right? Although that shit is wasted on me.

Anyway, she’ll be working at a five star hotel in the near vicinity of Buckingham Palace – I thought she said across the street, but I’m not sure.

The Boyfriend and I will visit her soon and stay at her fine 41 Hotel since room tariffs start at a measly 295 Pounds per night. The Master Suite costs only 659 Pounds per night, so that’ll totally be our room.

Entrance

Hallway

Conservatory Suite

Bathroom

The butler SCAA is planning on doing - at least once. He's supposed to be damn hot. But, don't they fire people for petty things such as sleeping with co-workers? Prudes.

For the last time

The word "paranoia" is a noun.

The word "paranoid" is an adjective.

Someone is paranoid.

Someone suffers from paranoia.

Saying "You're so paranoia", is wrong.

Don't use words if you can't use them in the correct way. Especially when you're trying to bring my ass down. It makes you sound stupid. And hell, I'm not paranoid. I don't even give a fuck.

There, I said it.

Please leave...again

My parents are back. They left last Thursday morning to visit family in Germany. I'm not German though, and neither is my mother. My step-dad's aunt lives there, or rather her husband because she died.

They've been home for four and a half hours and they're already getting on my nerves.

"Should I turn off the internet?", step-dad asked before going to bed.

"No, I'm busy."

My step-dad has this obsession with turning off the internet when no one is using it. We have GD cable, you don't pay for the time the internet is on and we have a fucking router - it's meant to have the internet on 24/7.

"It's been up since last Wednesday..."

"Yeah."

"It hasn't been turned off since."

"Yeah."

"Since last Wednesday..."

"Yeah."

Jezus Christ. Let it go. Control-freak.

***

“Aren’t you going to help us unpack the car?”

“I’m making myself tea, there only are like four bags and I’m standing in the kitchen in my underwear.”

“Fine.”

“What do you expect me to do? Stop making tea, change into my clothes and help you unpack, which you should be done with by the time I’ve changed?”

“Yeah, Billy, you’re absolutely right.”

***

"Did you change the kitty litter?"

"Yes."

"When was the last time?"

"Yesterday morning."

"Well, it's gotten really dirty in such a short period of time..."

"And...?"

"I'm just saying."

"Why ask me, when you've already made up your mind about when and how I did or did not change the freaking kitty litter?"

***

"Did you vacuum before we came home?"

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

“…”

“Okay.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. There’s just so much hair everywhere.”

“Well mother, you do have four cats.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

***

“Couldn’t you have done the laundry while we were gone?”

“I did.”

“So these clothes are all clean?”

“Well mom, the clothes in the laundry basket are clean and the clothes in the hamper are dirty.”

“So you did like one cycle?”

“No, actually I did three.”

“Then why are all these clothes sitting in the hamper.”

“Jesus mom, I didn’t do the last batch because it was not enough to do last night and you don’t want me to turn on the washer during the day.”

“Well, don’t you have an answer for everything Billy.”

Even my mom is stressing me out. Aren't vacations supposed to relax you? Take a fucking batch of valium and/or take your annoying asses back to Deutschland.

See, this is why I need a gun.

Potato, potato

At work some British lady wanted to order coffee in Dutch. See, I work near some International Criminial Court in The Hague, so we get a lot of foreigners at our lunchroom. Most of them try to order in Dutch, so this British lady asked for coffee with milk. But not milk from a little packet, but warm milk with coffee, but not a cappucino. So I was all: "Do you mean a latte, madam?"

And she was going all huffy "No, not a latte, that is what Americans call it. We call it café au lait."

Well fucking excuse me. The French call it café au lait too, so if I were her I wouldn't be so smug about it.

Cunt.

Old people + alcohol = not pretty

Old people cannot behave when drunk. By old people I mean my parents and our neighbours. They're having a cocktail party. But they're not really drinking cocktails, just alcohol really. And why do men always get so touchy-feely with each other? Supressed sexual desires? Ew. I did not just say that. Grown-ups totally turn into teenagers when they're having drinks. But they're not like hot drunk teenagers who you could totally take advantage of. They're just drunk. And my parents. And that is not hot. What was I saying again?

I should not drink when trying to write stories.

And it's true what they say, I actually am funnier when you're drunk. Hell, I even think I'm funnier when I'm drunk. But that might just be me. Or you. But don't get me wrong, I'm also funny when no one is drunk. But we tend to not notice that really a lot. Wait, was that right?