Thursday, December 01, 2005

She's still not dead yet

I am denied sex no longer. I was cut off for like…three days. It was hard. Pun intended again. Now The Ex-Boyfriend and I are making sassy homosexual love again. It is great. Except when a certain person shoots his stuff on the blankets. That is just nasty. And I can’t keep changing the sheets all day long every day.

Aiming is the key.

My mom got institutionalised yesterday, for the second time. It's that time of year again I guess.

See, my mom has secretly been in contact with her childhood sweetheart over the phone. He left her fifteen year old black ass way back when he emigrated to the US – for she was black. He is currently living in China with his wife. His kids are living in the US and the Netherlands.

My mom and him have been calling each other for over a year now, but we [stepfather and I] only found out about it a couple of months ago. She had been keeping it a secret and she created yet another reason for us not to trust her. Everything would have been fine if she hadn’t been sneaking around but alas, she had.

After I got out of the shower I heard my mom talking in the bedroom. I knew she was talking to the bastard because when she does, her voice is suddenly all soft and 800-HORNYTEENS like. It is disgusting. I continued my usual morning routine when I suddenly heard someone moaning. I didn’t even need to listen by the door, because a bitch was fucking loud. They were having phone sex.

Already repulsed as I was, I suddenly heard her moan:

“I want you to cum on my face.”

There are a lot of things kids do not ever need to hear from their parents or find out about them. I think this would be on top of the list – my list anyway. Grossed out, I continued my routine and the Ex-Boyfriend and I left for the hospital half an hour later.

When we got back I asked my mom what she was talking about with the bastard. The stepfatherhad told me not to confront her with stuff like this, but I couldn’t resist. She said he was a friend and they just talked about life, marriage and shit like that. I asked her again. She lied. I asked her again. She kept lying, but in a louder tone of voice. This continued for a while until she finally went mental and started screaming while she was rampaging through the house:

“Get out of my life ! You [my stepfather and I] are always on my back ! Stop controlling me and my life ! Get out ! I’m leaving. Leave me the fuck alone. I’m telling you the truth, but you never believe me. We are just friends ! I’m fucking leaving and never coming back. You know what, I’m going to commit suicide.”

I felt that this was getting out of hand since I’ve never seen my bipolar borderline mom like this. She started getting really aggressive and was still yelling about leaving and throwing herself in front of a train. I went to get my neighbour – mom’s best friend – and she tried to calm her down. It didn’t work and after she threw several household commodities around the house, screamed we needed to leave her the fuck alone and started tapping her wrists with knives (plural), she got her coat and left the house.

After half an hour she was back again. My mom’s friend found her and got her to come home again. By this time, the police were already at my house because we called them. I was afraid she was going to attack them, but she just walked in, grabbed a bottle of red wine, yelled something like “Get the fuck out of my house !”, slammed the door and walked upstairs to her bedroom.

The police men left and the Ex-Boyfriend and I went to get a cup of tea at my mom’s best friend’s house. She thought it would be better if we'd leave her alone. My stepfather came home shortly after (he was early). I called him this morning to tell him his wife was having phone sex with her ex and he should dump her skanky ass and put himself on top of is priority list again. I meant it.

When I got home my mom was absolutely wasted. She was stumbling all over the place, still yelling and cursing – or at least trying to. My stepfather was calm, smoking a ciggie and sitting at the dining room table trying to get hold of several institutions (GP, crazy house etc) attempting to find out what to do next.

My mom came downstairs at one point and we started arguing again. I’ll try and summarize some of the things she said:

“I’m not fucking him. He lives in China and he’s happily married to his wife. We’re not fucking. He doesn’t want to fuck me. I want to fuck him, but he doesn’t want to fuck me. So we’re not fucking. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah, we had phone sex. So what ? It was good. I liked feeling my fingers in my **** while hearing his voice. I thought about getting fucked by him. It was so good.”

“He was my first love, but you [me] wouldn’t understand that. You don’t know how to love. You dumped the Ex-Boyfriend as if he were garbage. You never loved him. you’re incapable of loving anyone. You’re using him. Ex-Boyfriend, you’re a fucking fool letting him use you like this. I hope you find a new boyfriend and you do it in front of his face [what the fuck does that mean ? Fucking drunk]. Break his fucking heart. He deserves is.”

“You don’t care about anyone. You can’t. You only care about yourself. Me, me, me, me. Not much room for other people in there. You’re an arrogant, selfish, uncaring, cold, nosy egocentric bastard. You have no one.”

“I’m going to commit suicide. Just so you can feel guilty. You only love me because I’m mental [I once told her she needed to get it through to her head that she is mentally unstable]. Oooh, my mental mom is so pathetic, I have to love her. Well you can all go fuck yourselves. I’ll kill myself and leave all of you with guilt. Guilt that will consume all of you. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do.”

“I wish I never had you. I should’ve taken the house when your father and I got divorced, and left you with him. Fuck I was so stupid back then. You always tell me I should be a role model and that I’m a bad mother. Fucking leave then ! I’m not making you stay. Get the fuck out of here. I don’t care if you have to sleep under a bridge.”

“I don’t know why you’re still here. You could have left years ago [years ago ? I'm nineteen. I was five back then]. That doesn’t matter. You could have left. And you still can.”

“I didn’t even want to have you. You were an accident.”

“I should’ve offed myself a long time ago.”

“I should’ve killed you a long time ago.”

I don’t do drama. Can you imagine your mom saying all this to you ? I can. I’ve heard it all before. It affected me very little actually. I thought it would hurt. That it would ache inside. It didn’t and it doesn’t.

I also got bitched at by my stepfather. It was all my fault and I should have never tackled this issue. Fuck that. Crap like that is bound to come out sooner or later. If it’s not now, it’s tomorrow, if not tomorrow then next week. But he didn’t want to hear it. I understand him though. He was very upset. Besides, I’m too uncaring to give a rats ass, according to mental mom (note the alliteration).

She left with my stepfather for the psychiatrist’s office at 3pm and got voluntarily institutionalised shortly thereafter. And it was about fucking time. If she hadn’t left yesterday, I’d surely have offed her myself. She doesn’t deserve to live. And I mean that too. She has not only ruined her own life, but also the life of my father (when she cheated on him with the same man who she’s having booty calls with right now), the life of my stepfather and my own.

My mom and I are very much alike in fact. And that frightens me. It becomes more evident every single day. It’s an upsetting prospect. My mom partly shaped me into the person that I am today – and I don’t mean that in a positive way at all. I could have been so much more if she hadn’t screwed everything up. I’m not the person I’d like to be – the person I was supposed to become. I need him.

My stepfather wants me to see someone again - counselling. I think that would be a good idea. I don’t want to end up being just like her. I can’t.

I truly wish she was dead. Or gone forever. Not that it would make all the problems go away, it’s just that she deserves to die for slowly killing every positive aspect of me, from the moment I was born.

Update: Ya'll should totally get FireFox. It's way hotter than Internet Explorer. And it has themes. I currently have the iFox theme, which has the same look as Mac OSX on Apple computers. I've wacked off on it many times now. Click here and here to read why you should get FireFox.


Jenna said...

Sometimes all we need is just a fucking break..Enjoy yours...

Billy the Bootlegger said...

I'm going to. Believe me. My mom came home today. The bitch totally ignored me. Not my stepfather, not The Ex-Boyfriend, just me. I guess she's embarrassed, so I understand where she's coming from. She's just full of anger right now. It'll wear off. And then the tears will come. It's going to be great.

She has gone back to the "facility" though. She'd better run.

Kirsti said...

No more of this self critisism. You have alot of positive aspects, no matter what your mother is like. You're great. And the best of luck for the future. I really do hope you get a break

Victrix said...

Hey BTB--I've been reading your blog for a while now, but I never realized you were so young. Your writing is so strong and so funny. This shit with your mom sounds really stressful. It's hard to have family drama with a nutty, hateful parent at the best of times, but it's freakin' awful while you're in the middle of an exam period. All this stuff that your mom said to you sounds like stuff that she means about herself. Ugh--I had a crazy mom until she went on the anti-depressants and now it's like she's a different person. Parents who disapoint us, fail us, tell us bullshit all of our lives really hurt us BUT there are ways to distance yourself from that shit until you can grapple with it (and avoid becoming that person). If you can get into counselling and that works for you, that's totally great. In the meantime, keep blogging. Your stuff is great.