I had 181 unique visitors last Sunday. How the hell does that happen? Tell me? I usually have like 25 hits a day. And now 181? Is it a set-up? And if not, what the hell did I write that was so goddamn hot?

Sigh.

By the way, Magnolia was such a great movie. I did think that the ending, with the *blanks* falling out of the *blank* 'n all that was kind of ‘weak’.

I know it has to do something with Exodus 8:2 and shit, in which is said that *blanks* will fall out of the *blank*. Also the numbers 2 and 8 keep returning throughout the movie and before the climax you learn that there is an 82% chance of rain, again 8 and 2, which is a sign for what is about to happen.

But in spite of all that, still kind of weak. The Boyfriend said I needed to let this movie marinate for a while. So we’ll see.

The acting was superb though and the soundtrack is just overwhelming. You need to go see this movie.

On to another story: I had a conversation with NK on MSN and the fucker was extremely stoned. He had is web cam on and he was moving his body a lot and just grinning like a dork the whole time.

It was so cute.

He needs to be stoned while talking to me more often because he has never ever opened up to me like this before. His sometimes kind of distant behaviour and his arrogant and cocky attitude were completely gone and we had a really nice conversation.

To sum up the most important ‘confession’: he wants me bad.

He said that when we had a ‘date’ last Saturday he desperately wanted to kiss me, but didn’t because he knows I’m already with someone. He thought that this date had topped any date we’ve ever had and that it felt really good being with me and talking to me again.

See, we only meet up every two months, because he is really busy being all high and mighty in some world wide corporation. Seeing each other again has always been kind of 'uncomfortable' because of that. But this time, it felt right the moment we met up.

I have to say, that even though he does want to be with me (in every which way), he would only have considered a serious long-time relationship with me if I were older. He’s 26 and I am barely 19. And since he has only dated men older than him or his age, he feels that the age thing is a deal breaker.

I don’t mind though. Hearing all this is good for my ego, no doubt about that. But I already have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. At least, that’s the way I feel right now. I know this sounds weird, coming from a 19 year old, but I really think this is the guy I’ll be moving in with and living with for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong: I do feel more for NK than just the friend thing. But I am making a choice by not giving into those feelings.

I will not and I cannot jeopardize what I already have. And even if I did want and could do that, what I would gain by being with NK could not (at this point) outweight what I'd lose by not being with The Boyfriend.

All NK said was:

“You can’t predict the future. And there’s always a chance for us in that future.”

And that’s true, there is a chance for us and I cannot predict the future.

I mean, maybe The Boyfriend and I will break up and NK and I will try going for it when I’m ‘older’. Maybe, NK and the Boyfriend will both be out of my life in the future. And maybe The Boyfriend and will still be together years from now.

I don’t want to predict the future. And I don’t want to try. Goddamn, I can’t even pick out my clothes for the next day, because I know I’ll want to wear something else when that time comes.
I’ll just live and I’ll take each day as it comes. It’s no use thinking about what could happen. Just as it is completely useless to think about what could have happened.

And who knows, maybe I’ll be straight in the future and I won't have to deal with all these hot men anymore.

Miracles can happen…