fat man walking

My ass has been popular lately. Damn, suddenly got all kinds of fuckers chasing me. Maybe it's the weather, cuz I know it's making me quite...excited. It has been hot as hell since yesterday. Dude, I'm sweating like a prostitute in church.

Anyway, today I got this IM from some guy that used to be my friend. We had a huge fight months ago (last year) and he's still going all: "I still miss you" and "what happened?". What happened? I'll tell you what happened, you were an asshole. A jealous, fat, stupid, lying asshole. That is what happened. Something must've gone terribly wrong when you were growing up. You disgust me. When I see you, I have to really keep myself from falling to the ground and vomiting uncontrollably. And you’re a cook for Christ’s sake, aren’t you supposed to know what not to eat?

A bit of free advice in the form of numbered items:

1. Stop eating while preparing food, you needn’t eat everything to see whether or not it’s flavoury enough.

2. Actually start working out while you’re watching TV in the gym. Just going there, does not make you lose weight.

3. Especially not when you’re just going to eat those delicious not so sugar free cookies.

4. No, running does not make you lose weight, because your heart rate is too high for you to burn fat. Haven’t you noticed?

5. Diet, there are healthy ways to lose weight. No, it is not baby fat, I’m guessing you did not weigh 200 pounds at birth. And if you did, I feel sorry for your mom.

6. No, the weight does not make you a cute big fluffy teddy bear. Teddy bears don’t weigh that much. Real bears don’t even weigh that much, and they possess less body hair.

7. So no, you do not look like Yogi bear, how dare you compare yourself to Yogi?!

8. Get a life, find some friends, get a hobby, do some cross-words, anything to get your
mind off of harassing me.

9. Change your personality, this will help you find friends. People like nice people, they do not like people that are obsessively controlling and stupid.

10. No, it is not normal for a twenty something guy to not know what “communicating” means.

11. So, try not being stupid, finish fifth grade already and move on.

12. No, I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am just trying to explain why people do not like you…at all.

13. Yes, people can change, so can you.

14. Yes, you will end up in hell anyway, but you might as well make the best of it.

15. No, I still won’t like you after you have changed, but maybe, someday over the rainbow, someone else will.

16. Hold on to that little bit of hope, that little silver lining. Oh, but wait, you ate it.

Yes, I am good at helping people out. I’m gifted okay. And I have nothing against fat people. Sorry, obese people. Oh no, I mean overweight people. It's just that people who are fat and aren't funny, nice and always cheerful, just annoy the hell out of me.

Now smile and make me laugh so hard I'll piss my pants.